Ask Me What's Now

Last week, I read this article written by an unmarried, childless 26 year old.  And guys, she nailed it. Flat nailed it.  

It was like she was putting my own thoughts down on paper (okay, down on a computer screen, but whatever).  Let me share a few of her words (in black) and my thoughts (in orange).  We're about to get a little personal here.  (That means, BFF, this post is probably more geared towards the readership with ovaries.  Don't say I didn't warn you.)

Believe me, I am fully aware that I am unmarried and childless. Heck, I don’t even have a real job at this point in time. I’m aware that I’m getting older. I’m aware that I’m not following the same patterns as my parents or my brothers or many of my peers. I’m aware that my biological clock is ticking. OH MY GOSH I AM SO AWARE.

Listen, as much as you worry about my singleness and the possibility that I might die alone in an apartment full of cats, I worry about it 10 times more.  You're not informing me of something that I've never considered.  In fact, this is probably the thing I think most about, with college football rankings and how many calories were in those cookies I just ate coming in as close seconds.

So when you — friends, family, acquaintances, Twitter followers and blog readers — remind me that I’m far behind where one would expect to be at my age, it makes me feel broken. I feel like I’ve done something wrong. I feel like I’m letting you down or making some horrible mistake.

Broken is a good word for it.  I might use the word unworthy or "not chosen."  I used to tell my friends that being the only single one made me feel a bit like we had all been dogs in the pound and they had all been rescued, yet I was left in the kennel waiting for someone to come along and choose me.  I'm not saying that is reality, but I am saying that is how it feels to a single girl in her late twenties.

Instead of relishing in the freedom, blessings and limitless possibilities that this stage of life offers me, I am left frozen, feeling like I’m not enough. Like what I’ve done doesn’t really matter or that I’ve accomplished nothing. I’m an outcast. I’m defective. I’m panicked. When you comment on my life stage as if there was something I could do to change it, it makes me feel inadequate. Most days I truly do love where I’m at right now, but when people question my marital status, I think I’m messing up my chances to do anything worthwhile with my life.

I used to secretly dread going to my hometown.  Because I really enjoyed my life--I absolutely loved my trips to Europe and cheering at OSU football games and going skiing in the winter and in the summer and being able to sleep in on weekends if I wanted to.  But in my hometown, someone would always point out the life I was missing and make me question whether what I had was any good.

What if my ultimate goal has nothing to do with marriage or kids or a career? What if my aim was to love people well, and to fully embrace the gifts I’ve been given? Would that be enough? What if my life goal was to simply run the race, to be called a good and faithful servant at the end of it all? Maybe that would mean marriage and children and a thriving career, but maybe it wouldn’t. Is it ok if it doesn’t?

That is my favorite paragraph of the entire article.  "What if my aim was to love people well, and to fully embrace the gifts I've been given."  That's what I've tried to do.  To enjoy the experiences and opportunities that have come my way, even when no shiny diamond ring was involved.  To love people well--be that my family or my friends or my friends adorable children or my sweet God Daughter--despite the fact that no one called me mom.  When people make comments that make girls question whether that is enough, those speaking really need to think twice about what they are doing.  Because if you ask me, aiming to love well and embrace the gifts we have been given should always be our aim, period.

I would like to suggest one thing, though: instead of asking me what’s next, ask me what’s now. Ask me what God is teaching me, ask me what I’m struggling with, or what brings me joy. I am learning, I am growing, and I am happy. I would love to tell you all about it.

I am 26 years old. I don’t have a husband. I don’t have children. I don’t have a career. I don’t have what people expect I should have, but I am abundantly blessed with absurd, exhilarating, and fantastic things I would have never dreamed up on my own.

So please, my dear friends, don’t ask me what’s next. Ask me what’s now.

I do hope that you all will consider this the next time you talk to a single, childless twenty something.  Ask her what's now, because my bet is that she thinks her now is pretty great and can't wait to share it with you.