I've sort of hinted around at this in several of my Truth from the Trenches blogs, but I had a very hard time after BB was born. I didn't go to the doctor and was not diagnosed with post partum depression, but I feel fairly sure that's probably what I had.
And after talking to several other new moms recently and trying to offer encouraging words, I decided to just write it all down and put it out there. Because I just think we need to be honest about this motherhood thing and maybe my words will help someone else going through the newborn phase like I was.
Every day I thank God for my SoulMate Friend who had openly shared with me about how she struggled after having her two boys and counseled me through those first 6 weeks or so. I am not sure how I would have made it without her being so willing to share how she felt so I knew I was not alone. So, with that, here we go.
I kept hearing people talk about how much they loved the newborn phase. Cuddling the baby and wearing pajamas all day and what a beautiful thing breastfeeding was. How this was the best time of my life and I needed to savor being home with him now before I had to go back to work. And that's great for those moms who feel that way.
I did not.
I hated the first 6 weeks of being a mom. There's no sugar coating this.
I loved that baby, don't get me wrong. But I was a mess. I cried every afternoon. Why? I have no idea. But about 4:30 this sense of impending doom would hit me and I'd be in tears. The Boy from Texas frequently had to just hold me and let me get it out. In fact, he was an absolute rock and could not have been better that first month.
I was exhausted. I felt trapped in the house. Chained to BB. I had absolute hell with breastfeeding, but kept on forcing it because of the "breast is best" mantra that gets shoved down new mom's throats. I had hot flashes that would have given any middle aged woman a run for her money. BB didn't communicate with me or thank me for the bottle at 3 in the morning or even smile. Despite being home all day, I felt like I couldn't get anything done around the house. I remember thinking multiple times....is this what my life is going to be like from now on? Because I really didn't mean to sign up for this.
If you feel that way too, you're not alone. You're not a bad mom. And your life won't always look this way. One day, you'll look around and it will feel like you can breathe again. That's the best way I know how to describe it. It won't come with fanfare or a big milestone. I was in my kitchen one day and the weight seemed to be gone. You'll be in a routine. Everyone will sleep for more than an hour at a time. You'll be able to take a shower regularly, wear normal clothing, and set your baby down to cook dinner. And that day, when you can take that breath, will feel amazing.
(If you're like me, the next week you'll pee on a stick and figure out you're in for this all over again in 9 months...)
Two little thoughts I found immensely helpful were these.
SoulMate friend told me, "Tiff, as long as you're trying, you're not screwing up." That was my mantra for at least a month. I repeated that to myself probably 15 times a day. I didn't always believe it, but I kept saying it and hoping it was true. Based on what I can tell, it was.
One of my favorite authors, Jen Hatmaker, wrote a great article called On Parenting Teens in which she explained that every mom has her strong phase. Some are wonderful with newborns. Some thrive raising toddlers. She said that raising teenagers was her jam. So even if you're like me and would gladly skip the newborn phase, you're going to hit a time and, just like Jen, declare it your jam. If the newborn baby stage isn't it for you---it sure isn't for me!--that's okay.
So for those of you in the trenches, hang in there. Trust that God picked you to be your baby's mom for a reason. Trust that things get better. They get easier. And you will all be just fine.
1 comment:
Thank you for your honesty. The newborn phase was not my jam either and I, too, felt trapped in the house. Sometimes out of necessity, but mostly out of fear. The honesty element is critical. I remember a friend who had a six week old newborn calling me when my little one was just over a year...she was crying and said to me, "Please tell me this gets easier." My response was, "I will never lie to you, friend. It does not get easier. You just get better." You get to know your baby better. You start cutting yourself some damn slack (this one was so hard for me). You learn the necessity of asking for help!! Because there's a reason the saying "It takes a village to raise a child" exists. You are not meant to do any part of it alone.
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