Thoughts from an Outsider: Healthy Eating

So because it's the New Year and I've got some sort of death wish or something, I decided to join in with some friends on this fitness/health/wellness challenge.  We're almost 2 weeks into things and I thought I'd share a few thoughts and some things that I've found that work well for me (well and one that really doesn't fall into that category, but you'll see that soon enough).

1.  New running shoes are the best $100 I have spent in a long time.  Maybe ever.  No, that's not true, I bought a cow once that I liked more than these shoes.  And several show animals.  I wonder what my favorite show animal ever was, now that I'm thinking on this....  But anyway, the point here is that my runs have felt like I'm running on a cloud with my new shoes and it makes it SO much more fun.

2.  I struggle with eating yogurt.  I know it's good for me and I really want to like it, but I just don't.  Until I found Muller Fruit Up.  Seriously, y'all.  This is not regular yogurt.  It's goodness in a cup.  It has 140 calories, 7 grams of protein, and more sugar than it should probably have, but listen, you do what you can.

3.  If you don't put spinach in your smoothie, shame on you.  Seriously, it's amazing, you don't even taste it, and there's a whole serving of veggies right there.  Thank you magic bullet blender.

4.  When my sweet tooth comes calling (let's be honest, that's about all the time), I've discovered the amazing wonder that is instant, sugar free, chocolate pudding.  Some saint came up with this stuff, I'm telling you.  I usually add in some fat free cool whip and it's like a mousse.

5.  Some days....like one where you just can't take another night of flashcards and Commercial Paper essays made you cry and you just feel like you should probably quit this lawyer thing and go work at McDonalds.....you just have to throw your hands up and eat pizza and cookie dough for dinner.  That happens.

Oh, and for those inquiring minds that want to know, I'm officially down 8.2 pounds since the fall.  Of course, that was before the pizza/cookie dough binge mentioned in #5.....

Thoughts from an Outsider.....Being Domestic (and 7 recipes!)

Y'all.  I've been getting my domestic on.  I mean, seriously, I've been cooking up a storm.  (No oven fires, for those of you smart alecs who were wondering).  I think that it's a trifold combination of things causing this:  The Holidays, The Boy from Texas, and needing any distraction from studying for the bar exam!  It's been a while since I've done a Thoughts from an Outsider post, so I figured that this would be a good time to get back on that theme.  I'll share a few thoughts first, and then report on all the recipes I've cooked lately.

Thought #1:  Any recipe that calls for more than 10 ingredients or requires me to use something that I've either never heard of or can't pronounce is not happening in my kitchen.  Sorry Charlie.

Thought #2:  I hate washing dishes.  I really do.  Which means that any recipe in which I can get away with using less than 3 pans is one that I like.  The recipes in which I can get away with just one pan is even better!

Thought #3:  Bachelors are really appreciative of a home cooked meal.  The boy from Texas made me feel like my simple little recipes were something that Emeril came up with and slaved over all day himself!

Recipe #1:  Pumpkin Crunch Cake

 

Well, it was time for me to spend my first holiday with The Boy from Texas' family.  I'm a nice country girl and knew that meant that I had prepare something to bring.  Enter Super Mom's suggestion of Pumpkin Crunch Cake.  Not only was it super easy, it's also super good.  The Boy from Texas' sister said it was like pumpkin pie on the bottom and pecan pie on the top.  His grandpa ate 2 helpings.  When we got ready to leave, his sister ran over to the kitchen to get more before we took it away.  I was quite pleased.  (And for the record, we left the remainder of the cake with her...I don't need that thing sitting around!)  To see the recipe, click here.

 

Recipe #2:  Beef, Bean, and Green Chile Burritos

Next, I made a big batch of burritos.  These are super easy, really good, and you can just keep them in the freezer and pop them out anytime you want to eat one.  Oh, and you only dirty ONE PAN!  The Boy from Texas claims they are so good he could eat the whole freezer bag full (goodness I love that guy!) 

Here's our first recipe:

1 pound of ground beef
2 potatoes
Green chile (I prefer fresh roasted, but if you don't live in New Mexico, you can probably still buy frozen Bueno brand in a little tub in your freezer aisle)
1 can of Bush's pinto beans
1 bag of shredded cheese (any kind will do)
10 tortillas
Foil

Brown ground beef in a skillet.  Drain off the excess fat and leave the ground beef in the skillet.  At the same time you are cooking the beef, cut up two potatoes (I leave them unpeeled) and boil them in a small pot of water until they are soft.  Drain the potatoes and add them to the ground beef.  Mash up the potatoes a bit.  Add in green chile (I'm from New Mexico, so I figure the more the better, but you can add as much as you like).  Drain the can of Bush's pinto beans so that you remove the excess liquid in the can.  Pour the beans into the skillet.  Mix all of these ingredients.  Now warm up the tortillas in the microwave (you don't want to leave them for too long...maybe 20 seconds or so) just to soften them up.  Tear off 10 burrito-sized strips of foil.  Place tortilla on foil.  Add cheese (as much as you like).  Add mixture from skillet (as much as you want to fit in your burrito).  Roll it up, wrap it in the foil, and you're done! 

Recipe #3:  Green Chile Roll Ups

 

These are not a meal, just an appetizer, but we have them every year at our Family Thanksgiving and they are always a hit.  Plus, no shocker here, they're really easy!

 

1 block of cream cheese (I use reduced fat)

1/4C green chile

12 slices of thin sliced deli ham (give or take here)

6 or so flour tortillas

 

Soften the cream cheese either in the microwave or by letting it sit out for a while.  Add in green chile and mix well.  Place mixture in refrigerator to let harden.  I left it about 30 minutes.  Spread mixture on tortilla and lay two slices of ham on top of the mixture for each tortilla.  Roll the tortilla up like you would a newspaper.  Slice the tortillas into small pieces--about 1 inch thick.  All done!  (Since I feel like that explanation was kinda iffy, click here to see a photo of what you're looking for.)

Recipe #4:  Pot Roast (with New Roomie's secret ingredient!)

 

I do love me a good pot roast.  A couple of weeks ago, New Roomie made one that may have been the best roast I ever tasted in my life.  So I cornered her and made her tell me the secret.  And, so, in turn, I made one for The Boy from Texas (and may have acted like it was totally my special recipe that made it so good....)  It's seriously the easiest thing...throw a bunch of stuff in a crock pot in the morning, come home in the evening to a house smelling amazing and dinner ready to eat!

 

1 roast (you probably want rump or chuck roast)

1 packet powered pot roast seasoning

2C water

2C celery

2C carrots

2 potatoes

2 green chile (optional if you're not a New Mexican)

1 can cream of mushroom soup (the secret ingredient!)

 

Put roast in crock pot.  Mix the powdered pot roast seasoning as directed on the package and pour it over roast.  Add water.  (You have to kinda eyeball this to be sure there is enough in your crock pot so that the roast doesn't go dry...)  Add in chunked up celery, carrots and potatoes.  Chop green chile and add that to the crock pot.  Add in can of soup and mix with water.  (This secret ingredient will make the gravy super creamy and delicious.  Thank New Roomie.)  Cook on low for 8 hours.

 

Recipe #5:  Shepherd's Pie

 

This is yet another recipe ala New Roomie.  (This girl is getting her masters in engineering and can cook like this.  She's still single.  Boys....get it in gear!)  I had never had Shepherd's Pie before, but being a lover of all things Irish, I was excited to try it.  Y'all.  It was seriously SO dang good!  It's all good things piled on top of each other in one pan.  It reminded me of Joey and the trifle on Friends. 



 



Anyway, on to the recipe!

1 pound of ground beef
1 packet of powdered brown gravy mix
1 can of green beans
4 or 5 potatoes
1/2C shredded cheddar cheese (you can use more of this if you like...however much you fancy!)

Brown ground beef in skillet.  Drain off the excess fat.  Prepare packet of gravy mix as directed and add to the skillet.  While this is cooking, boil potatoes in water, drain when soft, and mash them up.  In baking dish (I actually don't know the best size for this...you want something pretty deep, so maybe the square one?), place ground beef/gravy mixture in the bottom of the pan.  Place can of green beans (drained) on top of ground beef layer.  Add mashed potato layer on top of the green beans.  Top with shredded cheese.  Bake in oven until cheese is melted and layers are warm (maybe about 20 minutes or so).  Done!

Recipe #6:  New Mexico Style Cornbread Muffins

I actually don't know the real name for these.  There was a restaurant in the same building as my old law firm and they used to make these on Wednesday mornings.  Seriously, to.die.for.  So delicious.  And, as you've come to expect from me, really easy!

1/2 roll of Jimmy Dean sausage (I use reduced fat, but any kind will work)
1 box Jiffy cornbread mix
1 egg
1/3C milk
1C shredded cheddar cheese
1/3C diced green chile (same as above, I use fresh, but frozen will be just fine and you can add more or less to your tastes)

Brown sausage and drain off excess grease.  Prepare cornbread mix as directed on box.  Add in the sausage, cheese, and green chile.  Mix well.  Put the mixture in muffin pans (I like the Texas sized pans so they're big but any size will do).  Bake as directed on cornbread box (15-20 minutes).  Easy, yet yummy breakfast!

Recipe #7:  ND Friend's Chocolate Chip Cookies

 

I have saved the best for last.  ND Friend is the sweetest person on the face of the earth.  She's always showing up with a little bag of the most amazing chocolate chip cookies for someone!  They are seriously SO freaking delicious, there are just not even words.  I begged her for the recipe and today I'm sharing it with you!

 

3/4 cup white sugar

1 cup brown sugar

2 sticks butter

2 eggs

1 Tbs. vanilla (I always use extra)

3C flour

3/4 teaspoon salt

3/4 teaspoon baking soda

1/2 bag white chocolate chips

1/2 bag semi sweet chocolate chips

Mix white sugar, brown sugar and butter together.  Add two lightly beaten eggs and the vanilla. 

 

In separate bowl, mix flour, salt and baking soda.

 

Combine two mixtures together.  Add white and semi-sweet chocolate chips.

 

Bake at 350 for about 14 minutes!

Thoughts from an Outsider: National Finals Rodeo Rounds 1-5.

"Riders had two choices: Cowboy Up or go home. If cowboys didn't look past their injuries, the rodeo would no longer exist. Everyone rode hurt; it was the nature of the sport." ~A Thousand Tomorrows

It's been a while since I've done a Thoughts from an Outsider post, so here we go.  It's pretty much my favorite 10 days of the year.....the NFR.  For you non-country folks, that's the National Finals Rodeo in Las Vegas.  You can bet that I'm parked in front of my tv from 8-10:30 every night without fail.  Here are a few of my thoughts from Rounds 1-5.

1.  Let's talk about the fact that a couple of the bull doggers are former college football players.  Good looking guys, wearing Cinch jeans and square toed boots, who ride horses, and make tackles?  Sign me up.  You know he also loves Jesus and his mama.  Can't beat it.  Who can introduce me?

2.  I love me some Charmayne James.  She was a 10 time IN A ROW world champion barrel racer on probably the best barrel horse ever, Scamper.  She's got a little work to do as a tv rodeo announcer.....but I'm hoping she'll get there.  First night she said "um" more than any other word, but by Round 5 she was doing much better!

3.  I have blogged about this horse before, and I realize that he's not been doing that well so far at the finals, but my love for Duke still remains.  That, kids, is a beautiful horse.

4.  Tuf Cooper.  He used to look like some snot nosed little kid (albeit one who was winning gold buckles) but now he looks like he's turned into a grown up.  My money is on this kid.  Although Cody Ohl looked pretty salty in Round 3!

5.  Mary Walker.  Y'all.  This lady is 53 years old and won the first three rounds in a row at the NFR...and it's her first appearance.  Last year, she was seriously injured when her horse fell on her, and as if that wasn't bad enough, she lost her son in a car accident.  This lady deserves some good, and it looks like she just might get it.  Read her full story here. 

6.  New Mexico has been represented quite well, especially by Mr. Taos Mucy who won the first round of saddle bronc.

7.  Poor Patrick Smith ropes for a reason.  Because he's not a saddle bronc rider.  Check this out in the grand entry (I blame the show girls).  The best part?  Same horse bucked with the flag girl the next night.  She stayed on.  Just saying.

Thoughts from an Outsider #4: No One Cares About The Flowers At The End of the Pew

"I live every day to its fullest extent and I don't sweat the small stuff."  ~Olivia Newton John

I'm a pretty experienced bridesmaid.  I know how to sit so as not to mess up my hair during the 5 hours between the salon and the ceremony.  I've learned how to hold a puffy white dress so the bride can use the bathroom, build those little round lantern things, and to babysit annoying relatives to keep people's sanity.  I've donned long dresses, short dresses, ball gowns and tea length skirts.  I can handle major crises like talking the bride out of a freakout the night before the wedding over having to change her last name, or playing it cool when the bride got bucked off of the horse that she was supposed to ride up to the ceremony, or chasing down the limo driver in the middle of the street when the rings were accidentally left in the back seat.  (Yes, those all really happened.)  I've also been a wedding photographer, videographer and I'm a master guest book girl.

All this to say, I know a thing or two about weddings.  Given that it's wedding season around here, I thought I'd share my #1 thought (obviously from this single outsider) today:  No one cares about the flowers at the end of the pew.

Here's the deal.  My point is not really about the flowers at the end of the pew, but what they represent:  the tiny details.  The lace doilies on the reception tables.  The hand-drawn place cards that take 15 hours to do.  The particular shade of off white ribbon on the bridesmaids' bouquets.  No.  One.  Cares. 

Not only to people not care about the flowers at the end of the pew, but those dang things are what is going to cause all of the stress and fighting on the wedding day. Guaranteed. Want a fight between the bride and her mother the wedding day? Bridesmaids grouchy, sweaty and exhausted before noon? Wedding coordinator almost in tears? Have a bunch of little details to deal with.  And the worst part, all that stress is for no good reason.

"That was such a fun wedding because of the beautiful flowers on the end of the pew," said No One.  Ever.  Don't get me wrong, I understand that the bride wants the day to be perfect down the the little details.  But that's not what people are going to remember.  Weddings are fun because of the adorable vows or the great music during the ceremony or (and mostly) because of the super fun reception.  If you want people to remember your wedding, get a great band or a dj that gets everyone out on the dance floor having a blast.  That's what people remember.  That's what makes a great wedding.

In the end, it's all about the happy couple (and pretty much just the bride) and what they want.  If you want flowers on the end of the pew and that makes you happy, go for it.  But if you don't, forget it, put on your dancing shoes and have a killer reception.  And remember, at the end of the day, you're married, flowers at the end of the pew or not. 

Of course, what do I know?  I'm 28, single and working on a closet to rival that chick in 27 dresses.  Take it or leave it.

*Linking up with Miscelleny Monday and Cup Half Full!

Every Mile a Memory (Part 3)

"One of the near-death experience truths is that each person integrates their near-death experience into their own pre-existing belief system." - Jody Long

I'm not really sure you would call the whole emergency landing situation on my flight home from Oklahoma City a "near-death experience" because that would be a little too dramatic, but roll with me here.  In Part 1 of this series, I told you about my running Remember The Ten.  In Part 2, I cracked a few jokes (I think that I'm quite funny...) and told the story of my plane making an emergency landing.  Today, I wanted to write a more serious post about my thoughts on this.  After a little time to reflect, I think that I can sum it up in three thoughts.

God gives us what we need when we need it. 

If you had told me a month ago that I would be on a flight that had engine trouble and made an emergency landing ona runway surrounded by fire trucks and ambulances, I would have told you without question that I would have flipped out and either been having a screaming fit or passed out from fear.  No question.  Yet when this actually happened, I was completely calm.  Of course it was a little scary, but there was no panicing, no fits, and no fainting.  The only way to explain this is that God gives us what we need when we need it.  For me, that was a sense of calm amidst the storm.

I've thought about this idea before.  I did a Bible Study where we talked about the Bible passage where the Isrealites were wondering in the desert and God let manna (food) fall from the sky for them each day.  The Isrealites were only permitted to take as much as they could for one day.  If they tried to take too much and stockpile it, the manna would spoil and go bad. 

This is a great example of God giving us what we need when we need it, and not before.  Until last Sunday, I had not really seen this in action in my own life.  I did not need the mental strength to keep from freaking out during a crisis until I was in the crisis.  When the time was right, God gave me what I needed.  God gives us what we need when we need it--isn't that true about so much more than calm and strength?  I for one know that I can always use this little reminder.

How quickly we forget.

I have to say that 99.9% of the people on that plane were great.  Everyone remained calm, was patient, kind, and seemed genuinely able to deal with being stuck in the worst airport in the world for 4 hours.  I figure that everyone knew that it was so much better than the alternative, which became quite the possible reality when we saw all of the emergency personnel on the runway.  But, as there always seems to be, there was the one lady.....  I swear, all she could do was gripe and complain about how she was already supposed to be in Vegas and she was missing some show and she needed a cigarette and she could not beleive they had to fly another plane in to pick us up.  On and on and on.  It was all I could do to keep myself from having a real Come to Jesus talk with this chick.

Again on the topics of wondering Israelites (clearly I paid attention that day at Bible Study!), I've written a prior blog called How Quickly We Forget.  The Israelites had seen God's miracles--remember the whole parting of the Red Sea thing--with their own eyes.  But years of being out in the desert took a toll, and they forgot the miracles and focused on their own problems.  Las Vegas lady took the same approach--albiet she forgot after about an hour, not years.  As she was having her fit, all I could think of was, "Lady, do you not remember an hour ago when a runway full of ambulances was there to take us to the hospital if things went bad?  And an army full of fire trucks was there if things went even worse?  Do you really want to complain about not being at some stupid casino on time?"  I know that it's easy to do, and it's human nature, but I truly pray that I can keep from being a person who so quickly forgets.

We never know when our time may come.

I'm not going to tell you that I had one of those "life flashes before your eyes" moments.  And I didn't like get on the phone and profess my love to someone or sell everything I own and move to a beach somewhere.  But I was reminded that we never know when our time may come.  In light of this, we have to remember to say what we need to say, do what we want to do and live our lives while we have a chance.  Life is too short to live otherwise.  I snapped a quick photo of the plane with the busted engine as we pulled away from the runway as a little reminder of that. 

Maybe it can serve as one to you as well.

A Wedding Shower: 5 Thoughts from an Outsider

"Think about it. If you are single, after graduation there isn't one occasion where people celebrate you. ... Hallmark doesn't make a "congratulations, you didn't marry the wrong guy" card. And where's the flatware for going on vacation alone?" ~Carrie Bradshaw

A couple of weekends ago, I headed home for Little Brother and Moomoos wedding shower. I knew it would be pretty good, because small town women know how to throw showers and funeral dinners. And I was not disappointed, nor were Little Brother and Moomoos who could hardly fit all of the gifts in their cars! I recorded a few thoughts to share with you all.

1. I do not understand the rationale behind giving people wedding showers. Their income just doubled. Their bills just were cut in half. And they have twice as much stuff as they did yesterday. It's not fair that we proceed to buy them every gift they can scan with a little gun. There. I said it. Sue me.

I announced to a couple of the hostesses that if I turn 30 and am not married (a deadline that is quickly closing in!), I am going to have Mrs. Franklin throw me a birthday shower. Because based on the wedding shower she threw, I'd make out like a bandit! I'm registering for shoes.

2. If you don't ask for it, you're not going to get it. You can all thank Little Brother for this lesson. See, apparently throughout the whole registering process, he wanted to register for a big screen tv. Moomoos would not let him because she said no one would buy them that. Little Brother's response, "Well they sure won't if we don't register." So she finally gave it and registered.

And in comes my crazy family. Aunt Delta Dawn, Aunt Evil Knievel, and Uncle Black Belt to the rescue. These three crazy people went in together and bought that big screen. At the end of the wedding shower, I asked Little Brother if they had gotten pretty much everything they wanted. He said, "Everything but the big screen." To which Moomoos replied, "I told you we weren't getting that." That was the cue and in walked the aunts with the tv. You should have seen the look on Little Brother's face.

3. From what I can tell, the number one choice of shower gifts is....drumroll please....cookbooks. I bet you Moomoos got 57 different cookbooks that day. Everything from cookies to New Mexican to quick meals for a weeknight. Mind you, us single girls who eat Wheat Thins for dinner could use some of this knowledge too, but no one throws parties and buys us cookbooks! Of course, had I not cheated my way trough homec, maybe this would not be an issue.
4. I love a competitive child. My parents frequently tell me that I was one of these. My mom swears I wa the most competitive kid she had ever seen. So I suppose this revalation surprises no one. Here's how I learned this at a wedding shower. Little Cowboy was in charge of handing gifts to Little Brother and Moomoos to open. Some box was heavy and Connie J tried to help him, but he informed her that he was stronger than she was. Somehow (Lord only knows with those two involved!), this led to them arm wrestling in front of the entire shower....front and center. Little Cowboy, not wanting to leave anyone out, ended up arm wrestling pretty much all of the other guests at the party. Including the woman who is about a month into recovery from open heart surgery. I about died when I looked over and he had her hand in his and was pulling away.

5. Our family could not be blessed with better people in our lives. Looking around the room that Saturday afternoon, it was clear that Little Brother (and I) are surrounded by people who love us. There were women there who knew our grandmothers and remember the day were were born, and people who Little Brother met in college. Elementary school teachers and mothers of high school best friends. There were ladies from every town in the county, and several from surrounding counties. You could almost watch us grow up just by looking around the room at these women.

I've got this posted on my blog every day, but it seemed particularly appropriate today. They say it takes a village to raise a child. It took more than that for us, and for that we will forever be grateful.

Saying Yes To The Dress: 5 Thoughts from an Outsider

"Shopping is a woman thing. It's a contact sport like football. Women enjoy the scrimmage, the noisy crowds, the danger of being trampled to death, and the ecstasy of the purchase." ~Erma Bombeck

Well since my blog about an outsider's thoughts on childbirth was such a hit, I figured I might turn this "Thoughts from an Outsider" thing into a series on my little ol' blog here. Today's topic: wedding dress shopping.
Don't adjust your browser or go looking back through archived posts. I'm not the shopper---I'm the outsider. Last week I went with my future sister-in-law to try on some dresses.
1. All the crap you see on tv really happens. I wasn't expecting too much drama. I mean, this is David's Bridal in New Mexico, not Kleinfelds for crying out loud. Apparently that doesn't matter.

As I walked up to the store, I heard some chick yelling at her apparent fiance on the phone. (This corresponds nicely with the thought I have every single time I watch Say Yes to the Dress on tv, "HOW is someone marrying her and I'm sitting here alone eating popcorn for dinner in my sweatpants?").

Next, I walk inside and see one girl surrounded with who I can only assume is everyone related to her in any way, shape or form including her long lost 15th cousin. Do you really need THAT many opinions?

Finally, I found a crier. There had to be one, right? It was this chick--just before I snapped the picture she was fanning her face saying, "I swore I wouldn't cry." Unreal. 2. Are they serious with these bridesmaid dresses? Look, okay, I've seen 27 dresses. Shoot, I think I may be living it myself. But never in my life had I seen so many HIDEOUS dresses in one store. Who would actually buy these and what exactly is their wedding theme? And now, some samples for your viewing pleasure.
3. Prices. Okay, now I know that I'm cheap. I know, I know, I know. But when the future sister-in-law picked up a little flower clip for her hair and it cost $97, I almost had a heart attack right there. How can they get away with putting hte word "wedding" in front of it and multiplying the cost of something 10 times? And this headpiece didn't even contain the "fishnet" that Little Cowboy insists his mom wear because it's cool.

4. Sizes. Look, people. Most girls are not a size 4 or a size 18. Why would you only have dreses in those sizes? Apparently so people can awkwardly try and decide if their boobs actually will fall out of the dress, and walk around with big ol' honkin vice grips on their backs while trying to look lady like and make the three other women with them fan their faces to hide the tears that will no doubt come.

5. I really hope blogs like this don't jinx me. I really do want to get married one day. And I'll even bring everyone I know to the store and wear the vice grips. Regardless of the nonsense and expense of it all, there really is something sort of magical about the perfect white dress. Of course, I can't show you the dress that was decided upon, but here are a few fun snapshots.

Waitin' on a Baby: 10 Thoughts From An Outsider

"Anyone who thinks women are the weaker sex never experienced childbirth."

As you guys know, my friend, Coach A, had a baby a couple of weeks ago. My Goddaughter, to be exact. We'll call her GBaby on my blog. Now I've had lots of friends have babies in my life, but this was the first time I was called on to help get someone to the hospital while they were in labor....and then sat on the couch in the hospital room waiting (for 33 hours), and then sat in the hallway peeking and listening through the door during delivery.
Now, I'm in no way, shape or form a baby person. It was quite the experience. I got to share it not only with Coach A, but also with her parents, Gbaby's father, Little L, and Frosty...who we've now officially deemed "The Family." And, so, here are 10 thoughts on this whole birthing process thing from an outsider looking in.

First, GBaby has no sense of time. More specifically--of night and day. Because of this, my phone rings at 3:00 am and I'm up and out of the house in about .25 seconds. We couldn't have done this during normal business hours? And not only that, we had to be awake at 3:00 am two nights in a row? By the time she arrived at 9:45 am, we had been up over 30 hours straight (not counting the snooze I tried to get on the couch in the hospital room).

Second, people who know about babies like to talk in numbers. When got the 3 am wake up call from GBaby's grandma, she was spouting off things like, "the contractions are 6 minutes apart" and "they are lasting 35 seconds" and all sorts of stuff. Mind you, GBaby's grandma is a math teacher and it was like flashback to high school for me. My still asleep brain kept thinking, "WHY is she giving me a math problem at 3 in the morning?" It felt like those questions about if Train A leaves the station at 6:00 traveling at 45 miles per hour.... Forget it!

Third, babies don't pop out all that quickly. Ergo, there was apparently no need for me to speed and run every red light between my house and Coach A's house on my way over to pick her up. (Sorry, Mom!) Coach A and Little L kept telling me the same thing on the way to the hospital. I didn't listen--I did not want this baby born in my car. Not on my watch!

As I mentioned, it took 33 hours for GBaby to finally pop out. And from the sounds of things through the door, "pop" is not the correct verb to be used here. The low point of the experience (for probably everyone but Coach A who had to, you know, HAVE the baby and all) was when the doctor came in at 5:30 am when we were all passed out on the couches in the room, woke us up, and we thought it was time to have a baby.....only to then inform us that she was still at a 9, even though three hours had passed. (See? All about numbers.) I about came off that couch, gave that doctor a ruler, and told her to try again!

Fourth, people at the hospital just don't take this stuff serious enough. We rolled up and I expected a gurney and a team of doctors (preferably one of whom looked like Dr. Ross on ER) to show up and help. Did they? No. We freaking had to hike all around the hospital to find an open door and once we finally did get in, we were in the wrong wing and the lady just pointed us to the elevator down the way. Coach A was quite calm....I was about 2 seconds from screaming, "Walk to the elevator? Are you kidding me? She's having a BABY not coming in for a nose job--get us a gurney in here STAT!"

Things didn't get much better as the time went on. At one point, I remarked that the Brittish midwife was great, but I just wanted to push fast forward on her and get things moving! The one person who did move quite quickly was the b#$%@ nurse who Coach A's mom told, "We're going to take this outside!"...I beelined it for the door to be sure there were no punches flying just in time to hear Coach A's mom say, "And don't you come back in here!" And that nurse was never seen again...smart girl.

Fifth, screw this natural birth, granola, hippie nonsense. Give me a doctor and some drugs. An epidural is your friend. No judgment on those of you who opt for the hippie nonsense option. I just will not be doing so. I may tattoo "I want an epidural now" on my forehead if/when the time comes.
Sixth, there are some screwed up relationships going on at the hospital labor and delivery ward. I was wondering out loud what the doctors and nurses though about "The Family" of six people, only two of whom are related to Coach A. But then I listened to a whole long coversation about one baby daddy who would be getting out of the pen in 3-5 years and saw a pregnant grandma talking to her teenage daughter and that girl's three year old son...meaning that the newborn baby is an instant uncle....and you know, I realzied we were probably boring.

Seventh, after 33 hours, you learn to entertain yourselves. Coach A had some great entertainment with me and Little L before the rest of The Family arrived. My favorite moment was when we had no more than gotten in the room and Coach A got her gown on than Little L turns to me with these huge wide eyes and says, "That's it. I'm adopting!"

Also, turns out, nurses don't think it's so clever when you put on their gloves and act like you are examining the monitor, the nurses like you even more. See Frosty and Exhibit A. FYI, she concluded that you read the contraction meter like a Richter Scale. We also had quite the time with the latex gloves, the peanut (don't even get me started).

Eighth, when you're having a baby, people lie to you. A lot. One hour (which I heard seriously 157 times) really means 10 more hours. 10 more minutes lasts a minimum of 45. When they tell you, "One more push" they mean for that contraction, not ever. When your birthing coach says, "We'll only do this for 15 minutes and if it doesn't work I promise we'll get a doctor in here and do a c-section," he's a liar too. And if they say, "I see the head!" ask what color the hair is. In my experience, they said that as motivation at least three times, which lead Little L to say, "They're lying again!" and me to question, "How many heads does she have?!?"

Ninth, if I ever decide to have a baby myself...I've already got dibs on Coach A's dad as a birthing coach. That guy's a rock star. Even when he was lying as noted above.
Tenth, for all my snarky remarks and tough talk....there was nothing like hearing that baby cry for the first time. Except maybe holding her for the first time.
Or seeking her grandpa crying after it was all over. Or watching Coach A give her the first bottle. Or the look on her daddy's face after he saw her for the first time.
Dang baby already has The Family wrapped around her little finger!