What Should I Say to My Single Friends (Part 3)

Today is the last blog in our series.....I thought I'd go the flip side and ask my single girlfriend what things people say that they probably mean to be encouraging, but are actually totally annoying.  They made quite the list!

Single people are fun too.

 So let's consider putting these on the "not to be uttered" list, shall we?

"You're trying too hard."  It doesn’t bother me when people say things like “he’s out there somewhere” or “give it time” because I think those cliches are sincere and absolutely true.  But I positively hate when people say things like “you’re trying too hard.”  Excuse me?  How do you know I’m trying so hard?  Do you know something I don’t?  Because you know what i’m doing right now?  I’m sitting on the couch eating some soup and watching Netflix.  I had no idea that I’ve been actively recruiting potential boyfriends in sweatpants on my couch this entire time.

"It will come when you least expect it"

"You're still so young"

 "Its not you"

Don't make dumb suggestions of who I could date.  I get so tired of "well (you have to draw this well out. weaaaalllll..) you could always date {insert name here}" as if I am invited to a dinner party last minute and looking for something decent to wear in my closet. "Oh hey, this dress isn't too wrinkled. It will work for the occasion." "{insert name here} is single and not too old, he has some baggage but he's not too messed up."  Come on people!!


 "You are too good for them" (which i never can figure out, if I'm too good for them, then it would be MY choice to be with them or not)


"At least you don't have to take care of someone else." - This actually makes me sad for the person who tells me this. Why do you feel you HAVE to take care of the person you are married to? Why do you not WANT to care for your spouse?

"You should pray more about it."- I completely understand this, and trust me I pray for my husband on the regular. But if I bug the Big Man upstairs one more time about a spouse he is actually going to spite me for not praying for other attributes and people. You pray for me since you are so concerned about my marital status.

"People are getting married and having kids later and later now. I'm sure you'll find him."- Thanks, it was my plan all along to not find him till ..."later and later" becomes an issue. Also, why do I have to find him? Why can't he find me?

"I envy you and all the adventures you get to take....because it is just you." - You had to throw that last part in, didn't you? Why do you not take adventures with your significant other? Having fun and doing amazing things should not stop when you find The One.

"We all have to kiss a lot of frogs." Because thinking of men as amphibian creatures is exactly what I want to hear when I am dating and you have a Prince Charming. Also if you are married to your high school sweetheart or the first guy you kissed, DO NOT SAY THIS.

"But you are so great, the whole package. I just don't understand how someone hasn't snatched you up yet." or "I always pictured you being married with kids by now." Thank you, now I am going to go home and think about what dark, twisty part of me is repelling men from "snatching me up."

"Our relationship is just perfect. You'll find that too." This is the one that kills me; it makes me question a lot about a relationship when I am in one, or makes me apprehensive to commit to a new one. I will be the first to own up to never having a perfect relationship, and I think that is just fine. However, when people tell me their relationship is perfect, it makes me doubt myself and whoever I am dating at the time, or not dating. Do I have to find perfect? Do you not have disagreements or misunderstanding? Do you really agree on everything? Do you think it is okay that he leaves his socks inside out on the bathroom floor? Because if "perfection" is what I am supposed to look for, I don't think that is going to happen. I think I am going to marry someone perfect for me, but I have no expectation for a "perfect relationship" at all times.

What Should I Say To My Single Friends (Part 2)

Today, we're going to some of the most fun, amazing, smart, beautiful girls I know to get their take on the question.  Each of these ladies are still out there in the trenches taking grenades from people---you know, "Honey, you know your not getting any younger" and so forth.  I wanted to get their take on this topic.  So you're going to hear from lawyers and government employees and pharmacists and teachers from three different states today....we've got a variety of backgrounds, professions, and personalities here, so I think we've pulled together lots of good advice on what is encouraging to them in the single chapter.

It's not what you should say, but what you should do.  Keep inviting us out (and other singles so we don't feel like the 3rd wheel all the time), have dinner, go get that pedi, take time to chat on the phone, weekend snowboarding. Girls days like they used to be.....let us pretend for a few hours that we aren't any different than you are. And most of all when we are super down about it and feeling sorry for ourselves, cheer us up, give us alcohol, listen to us bitch and complain, but at the same time try not to let us dwell on it for too long....not necessarily writing it off as what we are feeling isn't important or warranted, but we gotta get back up and move on because lets face it being debbie downer sure isn't going to attract boyfriend/husband material.

My very favorite third wheel photo--dancing with the happy couple.

Be as comfortable about my singleness as I am.   I would just like for people to be as comfortable with my being single as I am. I love being able to sleep in the middle of the bed, spend $100 at the craft store and paint all weekend, or pack up and live on my best friends couch (she's single too) for a whole weekend if I want to. Show me you are proud of me and respect me by not telling me some cockamamie bull about how the right one is out there waiting for me or God has a plan for me or whatever it is that helps YOU sleep at night. I'm single and it's ok. And I don't have time to pat your hand and reassure you that it's ok because I'm kinda busy being awesome.

Remind me to keep living my life and help me do that!  I think it’s always super encouraging to hear that I should keep living my life and enjoying the opportunity to do things on my own terms while I can.  I know that, on their face, comments like that aren’t words of encouragement, per se, and are generally unrelated to how to find a nice boy, but I think that’s why I appreciate it so much!  Also, people tend say it in the context of “hey, if you keep doing your thing and enjoying yourself, you’re going to meet someone great in the process.”  And they’re right—why put your life on hold waiting for someone to show up?  I think it’s incredibly important for young women to understand that they shouldn’t be defined by their relationships, that their worth is in no way correlated to relationship status, and that they should make (and are entitled to) their own happiness. 

Don't push us, appreciate where we are.  Over the years, I have always found it so encouraging to have other women, with husbands and families, support me for what I am doing right this moment and not pushing me into the next step. I recently had an older woman, with a husband and family and whom I respect a lot, tell me how proud of me she was that I am doing what I want and my career choice. I have had several men tell me it is awesome that I am doing exactly what I want right now, and that they hope their daughters do the same thing.

Don't constantly ask about our personal life.  For me, people who are supportive about all the things I am doing without mentioning anything about my relationship status it is so refreshing. If I want to tell you about my personal life and relationship status, I am open enough I will. Many women are the same way: if we want you to know about our relationship status...especially if we are in a relationship....WE WILL TELL YOU! 

Be supportive of where we are now...talk to us about our plans, what we enjoy, what's going on and know it is okay if it does not match the path you took. I want the cute house with a view and a wonderful man for a husband with dogs and kids and all that comes with that. I CANNOT wait for it. But, right this moment that is not where my life is. Right now, I am doing everything I can to make myself a wonderful woman for the man who will be my Mr. Forever while hopefully, he is doing the same thing. So be supportive of the people in your life who are not married, who don't have kids yet, and who maybe don't even want that in their life. Ask them about what they are doing right this moment, what they want to do next, not why they have not done the same thing you have. If you are close friends with them, you already know.

Keep up the annual girls trips.   The number one encouraging thing for me is those annual girl trips....don't stop going on those just because you are married now, its very discouraging and makes me feel like I'm losing out on both friendship as well as love.

What Should I Say To My Single Friends (Part 1)

After the wildly popular Advice to the Single Ladies series earlier this summer, one of my friend made a blog request.  She is married with an adorable little boy, but needed some advice.  "What should I say to encourage my single friends?"  She worried that sometimes her words--although intended as encouragement, were not taken that way from her single girlfriends. 

What a great question! 

First, let me say that I think every girl needs friends who ask questions like these.  Here she is, busy with a baby and a husband and a job and life, but she cares enough about her friends to want to be sure she is offering encouraging words to them.  Hands down the best thing any girl can do--single or not--is find women who encourage, inspire, support, and push you.  Just being a caring friend is encouragement, period, regardless of the words that come out of your mouth.

Me and my girls.

Second, I don't think there is any magic words that will encourage someone about their singleness.  I think at different times, a single girl needs to hear different things.  There were periods of my 20's where I was perfectly content single---jet setting around Europe, going to football games anywhere I wanted, buying shoes anytime my heart desired.  There were also periods where I desperately wanted Mr. Right to show up--when I was playing third wheel, when I sat dateless at weddings, the holidays.  Depending on the season I was in, different words of encouragement would have been helpful at different times.

Finally, I put together what I think is a pretty fool-proof list of four statements that I think are always good.

*  She is great, beautiful, special, fun, smart, and going to make a great wife one day.  I was probably in my mid-twenties and I distinctly remember one of my guy friends commenting that I would be a great wife one day.  I remember it because no one had ever said it to me before, and hearing those words come out of someone's mouth made them seem real to me.  It's easy for a single girl to doubt her worth, to wonder what is wrong with her that no one wants to put a ring on her finger, to feel like she must just not be enough.  In light of that, offering encouragement to counteract those thoughts is always a great idea.

*  Her life is awesome just the way it is now.  The odds are, your single friends are being bombarded with comments that make them feel like they are just waiting for their life to really begin when they walk down the aisle.  I think it's always good to remind them of how great their life is now---point out the good things, encourage them to chase after their dreams, help them come up with fun new ideas.  It's not that you should make it a competition about whether being single or married is better, but I really did appreciate it when people would point out how great my life was right that minute because I often needed the reminder.

*  You will be praying for her.  I always so appreciate knowing that people are praying for me.  I've had friends of all denominations offer to intercede on my behalf during my single years and you better believe I accepted and appreciated every prayer.

*  Would you like to get some ice cream?  Let's be real. This statement is ALWAYS appropriate.  Bottom line, sometimes, there is nothing you can say to make it better.  Ben and Jerry's, though?  Those guys have it handled.

Stay tuned tomorrow to hear thoughts from several of my amazing single friends!