I read several blogs each day even though I don't know the writers. Last week, I had smoke coming out of my ears after reading what one girl wrote on her blog. Of course, this means I have to rant.
The Anonymous Blogger is getting married soon, and her blog was discussing her expectations for marriage. Most of them were fine....then one of them blindsided me.
"His female friends from high school (he graduated 11 years ago) will stop calling him to chat. I know it only happens maybe 2-3 times per year and there are only like 2 girls who do it and he may only see them once a year when they come into town, but it still bugs me and I will want it to stop."
Are you freaking kidding me Anonymous Blogger? As the girl who has always been on the other end of the phone in this situation, I am horribly offended.
Girls and guys can be really good friends---and that's all. There are lots of boys in my life who I love dearly and consider some of my best friends, and have no other feelings for. I don't see anything wrong with this type of friendship continuing on after the guy gets married.
Clearly when the guy is marrying another girl and is not even seeing the girl on the phone except for once a year, there is no threat there. And what happened to trusting someone in a relationship? Call me crazy.
It can be really hard when your guy friends get into relationships. If you're not lucky, you end up losing your guy friend. It's hard and it's not fair. Sometimes, if you're lucky, like I've been with a handful of my boys, you end up keeping your guy friend and gaining a girl friend out of the deal too.
So my message is this. If you're a guy--stand up for your girl friends. They've probably been there for you through a lot and they don't deserve to get dumped for no reason. I'm not saying your relationship should not change at all. Clearly priorities shift and your relationship changes some--but I think having to cut someone completely out of your life is just ridiculous.
And to the girlfriends/fiancees/wives of the boys in my life who have not made me get dumped--some of whom I'm including on the blog--thank you. You're wonderful and I'm so glad my boys found you!
I appreciate not being dumped. In return, I strive to always send birthday and anniversary cards and cool baby presents. See? The girl friends might just be worth keeping around.
12 comments:
Good post!
Thanks, Crystal! I didn't get too much feedback, but it sure felt good to write! :)
The job of the husband is not to defend his friends that are girls. His job is to leave his parents and cleave to his wife. When he doesn't be a man and a husband to her that is when there are problems with the friends. It isn't necessarily a friend being dumped it is a non-respect of the wife and she feels that he neglects her. It isn't that the friend is calling or that he is talking to her it is that he neglects to say who she is and is shady about it. Don't take being dumped as personal. It isn't it is the husband not being forth right and honest and introducing the friend to the wife. Wives feel threatened by the past because they have one too and one never knows what might come up...
Anonymous - it's clear that a wife will indeed feel threatened if she's insecure. And that is a problem that is solely hers, and shouldn't be pushed onto her husband.
Everyone has insecurities, but it is certainly not fair to put them on others. I personally wish I was thinner, but I don't hold my friend's body types against them because I'm jealous.
Tiffany is right on with this post. Imagine if the tables were turned... would you think that was fair? And if you are willing to give up your friends, be they opposite or same sex, I think you may find yourself very lonely at some point.
A person has to keep balance in their life - you cannot be so wrapped up in one other person that you lose all the others who have been important in your life. Marriage is a commitment to unconditional love and faithfulness. Yes, a husband and wife build a future together, but as with anything our past is part of our future. Requiring someone to give up pieces of their life that are important to them only breeds resentment.
I wish you good luck with your marriage if those are your true views.
I'm dying to know who Anonymous is....but regardless, I have to disagree. Granted I've never been the wife, but I've got a lot of experience being the girl friend and (thankfully) I've remained very close to several of my boys and their wives.
First off, it is personal when a persons friend drops off the face of the earth. I take my friendships very seriously and they are extremely important to me. When they end for no reason, it's personal and hurtful.
Second, I'm not saying the relationship doesn't change between the husband and the girl friend. Obviously it does....personally I make sure to give the couple their space. I don't call as much, when we get together I always make sure the wife comes along, and I'm careful to always ask about the wife on the phone. If we are talking, as the quote above is, about a simple phone call twice a year, I just do not see how that can be a threat to the relationship. And, if it is, there are way bigger problems than the girl on the phone.
Third, Laura hit the nail on the head---the past is part of our future. I hope one day when I'm becoming the wife, I will WANT to know my husband's female friends who have been important to him and that I will respect and appreciate the friendship they have given to them.
Because I'm nosy and must butt in....
I think the issue here for Anonymous and other women who feel the same is that they have experienced in a past or current relationship where their husband has a tendency to "neglects to say who she is and is shady about it". The same could be said about a husband who parties all night and lies about that. It's not the "girl" that is the issue in their relationship; it's the way the relationship has laid the building blocks to not allow for open and honest communication without jealousy, guilt trips, or other reactions when he HAS tried to be honest in the past. And I think a clarification for Tiffany's post is that she is talking about close, true friends... not acquaintances or non-platonic relationships.
As a wife, my husband and I strive to have open communication and a truly confident and loyal marriage. Not once have I ever "hid" a phone call or a get together from him, and I think that is what allows us to pursue our friendship (with whatever gender) without issues. We have an understanding of what is acceptable in our relationships and where the boundaries are and that we must first "feed" our relationship before feeding other relationships. Like Tiffany stated, my relationships changed; it meant that I didn't pursue friendships that weren't platonic and that were a detriment to our relationship - it did not mean I dropped the people important to me after "I Do" simply because they had male parts. And I would never marry a man who felt that I had to; it was clear before then that I had important people in my life who were male and female that were going to be part of his life too.
Friendships feed our souls, regardless of who they are, so why would we want to deprive the person we love of that?
And a snarky comment at the end of my post... A husband’s job is not to "leave his parents and cleave to his wife." His "job" is to be an individual with opinions, interests, goals, and aspirations. His "job" as a partner (as is the wife’s) is to support and blossom those opinions, interests, aspirations and goals as a partner through life. A confidant, a best friend, a person to call "home"! .... Off my soap box...
Well said, Kristin. Thank you.
anonymous is an old prude whose husband is a jackass. Who married a momma's boy and has had to fight for everything in the relationship. Anonymous is one who is bitter and angry with the other women who are in his life because she has never been important to the husband. Anonymous is one who is beyond tired of fighting to be important in her husbands life and is going to make a change for the best, because there are men out there that Tiffany writes about and there are female friends out there that are not preying on the volatility of the marriage. I hope that when I do get the courage to stand up on my own feet and leave that I do find this man that you talk about, female friends and all...
Anonymous, that took a lot of courage. I wish you the very best.
I agree with Laura--best of luck to Anonymous. It takes strength to make changes, but sometimes, those hard changes are for the best.
WOW - what a discussion! I am a very lucky woman to be married to a man that supports my desire to maintain friendships with guys. Whether they be a guy I went on a date with or just call a friend - I love to see the best in everyone and keep in touch. Communication is key in every relationship and always put yourselves in their shoes when making decisions. Best of luck to you those of you unmarried, wed and to anomymous. I've always admired how you keep in touch with everyone Tiffany - thanks for sharing your thoughts and to all of you that have commented - on being transparent.
Thanks for the comment, Robyn. I think you are exactly right--if people will communicate with each other about their friendships and why they are important, it seems like a lot of the jealousy issues could disappear. I do try hard to stay in touch with my friends from different parts in my life--it's hard to find friends like I've been lucky enough to come across--I don't plan on letting them go!
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