Things You Never Say...

"Women worry about the things men forget.  Men worry about the things women remember."

Things have been too serious around here for a while.  Time to lighten up the mood.

I love Cousin Swiss Mister.  I really do.  But this weekend he made a comment to me to which I responded, "We're going to need to have that conversation again about things that you never say to a girl." 

Example of this type of conversation with cousin Swiss Mister

And then I knew I had a blog topic for this week.  So I enlisted a few of my favorite ladies to help me come up with a list.  With that, I give you my list of 10 comments you never say to a girl.

1.  She's Fat.  Or any version thereof.  Or anything that might possibly be construed to be close to that.
This one should be obvious.  I think most guys are intelligent enough not to straight out say, "Wow, honey, you've packed on a few pounds."  Where they get in trouble are more subtle, potentially innocent comments that girls totally take the wrong way. 

For example, I was traumatized once by my own father.  We had just finished the girls basketball game in high school and the guys game was fixing to start.  I went to sit with my parents, who were sitting in their usual spot with all of the guys' parents.  As I walk up, my dad says, "You know, I was noticing while you were out there, you have the biggest legs of anyone on the team!"Did he mean to call me fat?  No. He was all proud that his daughter had strong legs.  Did I take it as calling me fat?  Yes.  I was sure I'd never have a prom date again. 

Akin to this are comments like, "Don't you want a salad" or "You're going to eat all of that?" or "Haven't you already had a lot of chocolate today?" or "You sure you don't want to go to the gym?"  Or any wrong answer to "Do these pants make my butt look big?"  There are also conversation topics you might want to stay away from.....gym memberships, lipo-suction, and one piece bathing suits.  No good can come of this, guys.  No good at all.

2.  Any insinuation that she's never going to get married.

There's a Friends episode where they are talking about back ups (you know, the old "If neither of us are married by the time we're 40...") and Monica freaks out on the guy, who is being very sweet and offering to be her back up, and screams "WHY don't you think I'll be married by the time I'm 40!?!?"  You don't want to go there boys.  In fact, this is the kind of comment that gave me the idea for this blog.

I updated my facebook status last week and it said, "Realized I am nowhere near ready to have kids after seeing the chaos in the school supply section at Wal-Mart, enjoyed walking right on by that train wreck."  Cousin Swiss Mister responds with, "At this rate, you and I will end up in the same nursing home."  WHY don't you think I'll be married by the time I'm 40!?!? 

Trust me, don't go there.

3.  Her hair doesn't look so hot today.

Listen, boys, a girl knows when she's having a bad hair day.  SHE KNOWS.  You reminding her is not going to make it any better.  I don't care if she's wearing a baseball cap or there is some sort of poof gone wrong, keep your mouth shut.  Trust me on this one.

4.  Any endearing comment about your most recent ex.

Here's a newsflash--girls are kinda jealous and petty.  I know, I know.  You're shocked.  This means that we're going to compare ourselves to your most recent ex.  You making any sort of nice comment about her is going to only fuel the fire and draw out the wrath.  They say if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all.  Here, you might want to reverse that little mantra.

5.  I'll call you.  And then don't.

This doesn't matter if it is a guy friend or a boyfriend, if you say you're going to call, freaking call.  And if you say you'll call on Tuesday, do it on Tuesday.  Not the following Saturday.  This one is not complicated, fellas.

6.  Bad things about the people who she loves.

Next to the fat comment, this was the thing that got the most mentions from the girls.  No bad mouthing family or friend, period.  She might be able to call them crazy, but don't you do it.  Examples given to me:  Passive agressive comments about her family.  Bad things about her best friend.  "Your mom is a nut job."  To which my friend responded, "Yea, she is, but you shut up."  Her friends and family have been around long before you got there, and if you bad mouth them, they'll be around long after you leave.

7.  Tell a girl how great she is, and then ask for advice about another girl.

I'm sure in your male brains, this seems like you're just giving her a friendly compliment, but really, it's just insulting.  As Blonde Oklahoma Girl described it, "Don't tell me I'm golden and too good for you and then talk to me about some other girl you want to date."  And as ND Friend put it, "Don't tell me how I'm wonderful and the best thing that has ever happened to you and then talk to me about your floozy girlfriend."  Um....if I had a dollar for everytime someone said this kind of crap to me, I'd be able to retire at 28.

8.  Other random funny examples given to me of things never to say.
"I love OU."

Anything having to do it being "that time of the month." 

"You want to go to Olive Garden? Isn't it pretty expensive?"  [Oh Lordy.  I should add to this any suggestion that you have a date at a truck stop.  Particularly a second date.  Bad idea, kids.  She wont' be impressed.]

We'll just grab a case of Natty Light. (to take to family Christmas).  [This really happened???]