Family Farm Friday # 27: Putting the Squeeze On Love

"It's so easy to fall in love but hard to find someone who will catch you." ~Anon.

As a single lady, I worry periodically about how I'll recognize Mr. Right and differentiate between him and all of the Mr. Wrongs that seem to come in and out of my life! Well, being a farm girl, I feel like farming and ranching analogize are helpful in pretty much every area in life. When I found one for knowing if your relationship will last, I knew right away I had to share! (And knowing the knock down drag out screaming fights my family gets into doing this very task, I firmly beleive this is true!) I read this great article by Gary Hodgson about finding true love---cowboy style.

I recently stumbled onto what probably is the most important discovery of our century. It's nothing insignificant like the fountain of youth, a cure for the common cold or intelligent life on Mars (or in Washington DC). Nope, I've really discovered something. I've discovered the secret to a long, happy marriage. If couples contemplating marriage will follow my directions, they will know immediately if they are marrying the right person. My secret?

A SQUEEZE CHUTE!

Yep, those hinged, noisy, finger-pinching, knuckle-rappin', labor saving devices mark the hidden path to marital bliss. Forget showers for the prospective bride that only give her the impression that her towels will always match and her life will always have a place for a cappuccino machine. Discontinue bachelor parties where the groom gets the idea he'll still be able to get together with his buddies once in a while to have a wild "boys night out" without suffering dire consequences.

Instead of these time-honored and totally misleading traditions, here's my plan. Weeks before the wedding, before the invitations have been printed and the church reserved, assemble the bride, groom, and about 70 uncooperative crossbred cows and one of the industry's best squeeze chutes.

The goal: With no outside help, let the two lovebirds process the cattle through the chute. Once this has been done, if they're still speaking to each other, this marriage will last.

In short, all the problems a couple can encounter in life will be addressed right then and there.

First, there's the question of authority. Who will be in charge? The boss, you see, gets to run the chute. The submissive partner brings the cattle up the alley to the chute.

Once that issue has been addressed, there's the question of forgiveness. There'll be one old cow that does not want to go up the alley to the chute. She fights, bellers, and flings all kinds of bodily fluids over the one trying to coax her up the alleyway. Finally, after risking life and limb, the cow charges up the alley and right out of the chute. The "boss" on the head gate will likely miss her. How's the old forgiveness test going?

Also there are lessons concerning compatibility to be learned. An aggressive "type A" personality on the chute won't be satisfied with the performance of a laid back "type B" bringing the cattle up. Hollering "more cattle" about 11 times usually brings a premature halt to the test proceedings.

I know this system works. Not that long a go, I helped my oldest daughter and her husband work cattle at their feedlot. I was impressed at how well they worked together all day long. (He runs the chute; she always has one ready to enter). Those two will make it way past Valentine's Day.

My first wife and I worked cattle together. That's probably why I must distinguish between first and second when speaking of wives. My present partner in life and love helped me put 400 yearling heifers through a chute on one of our dates. Any gal who could stand that is okay by my book. I ran the chute, but she told me how. That's pretty much still our system and it's a good one.

So, the next time you see a couple looking all gooey-eyed at each other, don't buy them a toaster; get 'em a "Powder River" squeeze chute instead!

(photos courtesy citizendia.com)